Pumpkin Carving with The Ocean Shores Pirate!
Ahoy there, mateys, and a Happy Halloween be upon ye. I be The Ocean Shores Pirate. As ye can see, I am but a drawin' o' a man on a cheap piece o' balsa wood. Nevertheless, be warned! A dangerous pirate be I. Aye!
Seein' as how it be Halloween (and bein' that Halloween be the favoirte holiday amongts the Pirate folk becuase for one day outta the year it be deemed acceptable to resemble the likes o' we), I were thinkin' that I should be explainin' to ye the proper way to be carvin' a pumpkin into one o' them Jack-of-the-Lanterns. Arr, and what better way be there to have a friendly demonstration than by havin' at the same time a friendly competition?
I've done taken the liberty o' invitin' over me two best mates:
Dancin' Mummy and Fat Devil what Wears a Skeleton Costume.
So here's what we'll be doin', mateys. I'll be instructin' these lads (and all o' ye at home readin' this as well) in the proper methods o' Jack-of-the-Lanterin' up a pumpkin. Then it'll be yer turn to try it, and I'll be awardin' the mantle o' "WINNER" to ye who be makin' the best Jack-of-the-Lantern in my own opinion.
ARR! STEP ONE!
The first step be an easy one. Yer only be havin' to pick out a proper pumpkin what will be makin' a fine Jack-of-the-Lantern.
I see we be already havin' some problems. My mateys Dancin' Mummy and Fat Devil what Wears a Skeleton Costume be pickin' out pumpkins that be a wee bit on the small size. Sure enough these pumpkins be as larg as thier bodies, but ye best be rememberin' that we're all only three inches tall! Arr! Nay, mateys, these pumpkins be too small to effectively carve!
Arr! That be better, Fat Devil what Wears a Skeleton Costume! Even though that pumpkin be standin' almost twice yer height, it be a fittin' size for becomin' Jack-of-the-Lanterned! Let's us see how yer mate Dancin' Mummy has fared, eh?
Dancin' Mummy be choosin' a pumpkin what's a little bit taller and thinner than that pumpkin what belongs to Fat Devil what Wears a Skeleton Costume, which methinks befits the fact that Dancin' Mummy is taller and thinner than his fat-assed mate. Good choice, Dancin' Mummy!
STEP TWO! ARR! TOOLS O' THE TRADE!
Here be what yer be needin' in order to Jack-of-the-Lantern up a pumpkin, mates. Yer be needin' a whole mess o' the newspaper, a good knife or two, plus some sort o' spoon to be scoopin' out the gushin', mussy guts o' sliced-open pumpkin. And to all ye readin' this, I be wantin' ye to realize that ye don't necessarily have to be findin' knives and spoons that be taller than yer bodies, like my mates here have. Arr!
That's right, Dancin' Mummy! This spoon be what they call "serrated." This be the first special secret o' me methodology o' Jack-of-the-Lanterin'. I'll be showin' ye in the next step...
STEP THREE! GUTS AHOY! ARR!
First of all, ye need to be cuttin' a big circle around the perimeter o' that there stem what be stickin' up outta the top o' yer pumpkin. Then you'll see that yer pumpkin be full o' guts and seeds, like some sort o' devlish plant monster! You'll be needin' to be rid o' them guts before ye can be carvin' a face on yer pumpkin, so break out yer spoon and start a-scrapin'! This be where the serrated spoon be comin' in handy; it be makin' it even easier to get all them stringy guts off the insides o' yer pumpkin!
Ye can save the seeds and stick them in yer oven. I be hearin' that they make a tasty toasted snack if seasoned with some sugar, salt, garlic powder and the like.
STEP ARR! PREPARIN' YER JACK-O-THE-LANTERN LID!
Once the insides o' yer pumpkin be as clean as a recently swabbed deck (or ear), it's time to be turnin' yer attention back to the lid o' yer Jack-of-the-Lantern. If'n it be havin' any guts clingin' to it, slice them braggards off with the sharp steel o' yer knife! Then it be time to cut a small little triangle on one edge o' yer lid. This be to let the heat and smoke from yer candle to escape the harrowin' confines of yer Jack-of-the-Lantern once it be complete. Clever, eh, arr?
Then it be time for the most cleverest Jack-of-the-Lanterin' trick of them all, mateys! Take yer knife and score the inside o' yer lid with a little criss-crossin' pattern o' shallow checkerboard lines, kind of like if ye were to play a game o' checkers with 164 pieces or so. And then once yer be finished with that, take some fine cinnamon spice and sprinkle it daintily all over the inside o' yer lid, then take yer hand or hook and massage it tenderly into the lid, so that it be worked into yer recently-made slits. But do it tenderly, mateys, or ye will feel the cold sting of me blade as it be makin' a checkerboard o' slits across yer face!
Now once yer Jack-of-the-Lantern be complete and ye put a candle in and light 'er up, the heat from yer candle will heat up that thar cinnamon spice, makin' the most delightful aroma for the kids what come to yer door. It be even better if'n ye keep the Jack-of-the-Lantern inside for some sort of a night of debauchery. Cinnamon spice be puttin' the wenches in quite the mood for wenchin'!
STEP FIVE! ARR!!
Now it be time to design yer Jack-of-the-Lantern's face, mateys. Here there be no end to the possibilites. Whatever yer imagination might dream up, if ye can draw it, it can live on yer pumpkin, from the dantiest of faeries to the prettiest of flowers to the cutest of dancin' sqirrels, ye can make yer Jack-of-the-Lantern.
If'n yer not be feelin' terribly inspired, there be a whole slew o' traditional components fer Jack-of-the-Lantern faces:
Just choose whichsoever ones be appealin' to ye most and then take yerself a pencil or pen or quill and draw yer face onto yer pumpkin.
ARR SIX! CUT!
Then it be a simple matter o' jabbin' yer knife into the soft flesh o' the pumpkin again and again and again, slicin' and sawin', insertin' and removin' the blade, hearin' it as it slides through the juicy flesh and back out again...
Arr! And there were be! He be kind o' a cute little blighter of a Jack-of-the-Lantern, don't he be?
And that be how to carve a pumpkin, so says The Ocean Shores Pirate! Now let's see how our mates Dancin' Mummy and Fat Devil what Wears a Skeleton Costume have done with their Jack-of-the-Lanterns, shall we? Let's.
FAT DEVIL WHAT WEARS A SKELETON COSTUME:
Arr... I have to be sayin', matey, that ye might not have quite understood the choices of facial feature. It usually be customary to be havin' different shapes for the eyes and the mouth. This kind o' looks like the international symbol for "radioactive." I guess radioactive be kind o' scary, though. Arrr...
DANCIN' MUMMY:
Arr... um, I think ye may have misunderstood as well, mate. The facial features on the bottom row o' me illustration were for mouths. Yer Jack-of-the-Lantern has a god-damned mouth for an eye and an eye for a mouth! I be wantin' to think that it be some sort of a freak of a monster what has an eye for a mouth and a mouth for an eye, but alas I know the truth to be that ye, Dancin' Mummy, be an absolute idiot.
So who be winnin' my competition? It makes no matter to The Ocean Shores Pirate. Choosing a winner between the two o' them would be like trying to choose a winner between a bucket o' rotten eggs and a bucket o' vomited-up okra. Why?
Hello! It's me, Chris. I'm back. I hope you enjoyed The Ocean Shores Pirate's instructions on how to make a good Jack-o-Lantern. He wanted to let you know that if you're not sure if your Jack-o-Langtern is any good this year, you can send him a photo of it and he'll give it his best critique as a professional pirate and pumpkin carver. Just send the pictures here:
Well, Ocean Shores Pirate, what do you think of this article?
I agree. Happy Halloween, everybody!
-Christopher Grant Harris
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