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"Hey, kids! It's me, Mr. T! I'm here to tell you to stay in school, be nice to your mama, and don't be a damned square, foo! How I do that, Mr. T, you ask? Let Mr. T demonstrate to you by showing you what he did in the yesterday. Mr. T remembers it as if it was yetserday."

"Hey you! Cereal! It's me: Mr. T! You crazy foos is gonna be in my stomach soon, y'hear? I don't want no talk-back, neither! You remember what happened to that grape that didn't want Mr. T to eat it! I squished that foo like a grape! Oh, Hell, Mr. T has been yelling at his food so long, he's gonna be late for work! Damn it!"

"Now how in the Hell am I, Mr. T, gonna get to work if my jeep done blowed up!? How is Mr. T supposed to figure out such devices? It looks like the inside of a man whose stomach I tore out. Because remember: If you're a lady, the T in Mr. T stands for Tender. But if you're a guy who's being mean to the ladies, the T stands for Tough!"

"Mr. T will just borrow this crazy horse here. Hey you, horse! Mr. T is gonna get on you and ride you, and you ain't gonna have nothin' to say about that, you hear?"

"Mr. T never knew it hurt so much to get kicked in the testicles by a horse. Oh, well, Mr. T knows that fustration never gets you nowhere. You gots to channel that fustration."

"Hey you, kid! Get off that damned bike and let Mr. T have it before he jams that front tire up your nose, foo!"

"Finally, Mr. T has arrived at his job here at the apple orchard!"

"These crazy apples be too high up in that tree! Hey you, kid! Pick those apples for Mr. T before you make him mad! You don't want to see Mr. T mad. Once, I crushed a grape between my thumb and finger for not wanting to go on a journey through Mr. T's intestinal track!"

"Now to reap the fruit's of my labor by enjoying Mr. T's special Apple Shake. Hey! You kids! How did you get into Mr. T's private malt shop!? I thought I locked you out in the fields! Why ain't you pickin' apples for Mr. T!? Am I gonna have to take away your outhouse privilidges again, foos? Am I? Huh? You gonna have to wipe you behinds with leaves!"

"Fine! We can settle this like gentlemen. Mr. T is a damned gentleman! I pity the foo who is more of a gentleman that Mr. T! We'll play Tick Tack T! You be X, and I'll be T! Whoever loses has to leave Mr. T's private malt shop forever!"

"Best two outta three! Mr. T will whup this little girl's ass at whatever video game this is supposed to be."

"You crazy girl! You beat Mr. T! What are you, like Johnny Arcade's sister? Captain N the Game Mistress! Aaargh!"

"Mr T is so upset. There's only one thing that calms Mr. T down when he gets this upset: Laughin' at them damned deformed carnie foos! Off to the carnival on a stolen bike! I'll just set myself down on this here swing..."

"Uh-oh. Hey, all you readin' this at home! Guess which kid I'm gonna murder if Mr. T gets dunked in this drink!"

"Yeah, little girl, Mr. T thinks this is a good way to remember your brother too, after I murdered that foo for dunking me in the drink! Kids, photo albums are a great way to enjoy special memories of your loved ones, even if they're not around anymore. As long as someone's memory is in your heart, they're never really dead. Even if I did punch him so hard I broke his jaw and then stepped on the back of his neck and crushed his spinal column like that damned grape! Mr. T hates grapes!"

"Well, it's been a good day for Mr. T, forcing kids to do slave labor at my orchard, murdering another for gettin' me wet. That makes up for not being able to set foot in Mr. T's private malt shop ever again so long as I live. But now Mr. T is gettin' hungry. Time to go home."

"Hey you, fishes! Which one of you is gonna be Mr. T's dinner!?"

"You know, after a long day like that, Mr. T likes to think back about the day's events. All this child labor and child killin', it makes Mr. T glad that he's not a square. It really does. Don't none of you all out there be squares neither! Mr. T means that! Don't make Mr. T squish you like that damned grape!"

Mr. T's Storybook: How Not to be a Square

Mr. T's Storybook:
How Not to be a Square